On the other hand, that “whiff of desperation” one finds in smaller churches is often really depressing.

When we moved to the same town we ended up going to that church anyway, for a variety of reasons, and it has improved somewhat. I’d rationalize it by saying it’s a large church in a government town, but the mother church is equally large and in the same town, so that doesn’t wash.

Curious how individual congregations develop their own personalities, which can persist through the years.

It is interesting, though, that different people come in with different expectations about attention and boundaries. I remember in that book about the Baptist church that I blogged last year, the author pointed out that in the liberal urban churches he was used to it was considered respectful to give people lots of personal space, so the visitors would have a chance to decide whether they wanted to know you or not. But the people in his subject church said they found those churches “cold and unfriendly,” and when a new person came to their church they would pay all sorts of attention that made the author cringe because it seemed so boundary-crossing. Yet a lot of visitors seemed to like it, I guess because in their subculture that was normal. I remember when I read that I thought of my Lutheran pastor, because he obviously had a different idea about the proper amount of attention to draw to a new person.

That’s one reason I made point no. 3. There’s likely to be some kind of culture clash with visitors, so it’s better to just acknowledge it than to be constantly thinking, “How can I make them more comfortable?”

I also think your number 5 is a really good point. If you’re new to a church it’s sometimes hard to make that transition from saying hi to people at coffee hour to forming deeper connections and relationships.

To get personal, one thing I don’t feel to be especially welcoming is to be paid too much attention to. It seems desperate. When I visit, I like to be invited — not directed — to the coffee time (why would a congregation NOT have a coffee hour?). But don’t try to hard to rope me in. One church I attended offered me three invitations to join the choir. (The congregation was small; the opening hymn was my favorite — and sung in harmony; I sat on the aisle — claustrophobia, you know — and sang the tenor line; apparently it was loud enough for some choir members to hear as they processed by — oops.) That was a bit much, but if it had been followed up with any conversation or any attempt to learn about me, it would have been fine. As it was, when I demurred, the people sort of disappeared. And I was led to feel that they were interested in what they could get out of me, without really knowing what I had to offer.

I think you hint that key to “welcoming” is to create a space (physical, emotional, sociological) where a stranger can “stand” to see what goes on and figure out who we are. That’s what Parker Palmer describes — together with a strong discouragement of changing who you are and what you do in order to “accommodate” the stranger. Be yourself, but define yourself in such a way that you expect strangers/visitors and can fit them in as such — not as pretend members, but as the gift of otherness they represent. That makes perfect sense to me.

That, much more than admitting everyone who wanders by into the holy mysteries, seems to be the essence of welcoming. To be raw: It’s sort of the difference between being open to falling in love and hanging out on street corners waiting for the next bid.

Dwight

One other thing that strikes me as important is for the person who greets a newbie (and everyone in the congregation should share in this responsibility of greeting new folks) to probe deeply enough to find some kind of common ground with that person, or connect them up with someone in the congregation their share interests/etc. with.

On one of my visits to the American Cathedral, which I visit when I’m in Paris for work, one of the greeters started talking to me during coffee hour, and although it was a bit awkward (we didn’t share much in common), she finally hit upon the fact that I was a Russian major in college. So she went off and found a Russian woman who attends the Cathedral and she and I had a great conversation. I felt like they cared as a community that I had a place there and could connect with someone. It was definitely one of the better new-person experiences I’ve had at a church.

Just my two cents.

/Steve