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May 30, 2006

Words I’m hearing are starting to get old

Filed under: Church life — Camassia @ 3:53 pm

I decided not to take the apartment, after all that. I think what was driving me in that direction was mostly the feeling that I needed to change something in my life. But I don’t think that’s it.

I know I haven’t been saying much about the prospective baptism or any other aspects of my spiritual life lately, and I think that’s largely because I’ve gotten tired of it. The discussion here, despite all the good intentions, seemed to be taking me back to the familiar “they almost get it, but not quite” territory, and things were falling into familiar ruts. Conversations in 3-D life weren’t doing much better. And I’m getting sick of hearing my own thoughts, which is pretty deadly to blogging.

I have made a few moves to try getting into a small group. Small groups are one of those things that could almost belong to the meme: I’ve been a tad suspicious of them partly because everybody else seems so damned enthusiastic about them. I’m not sure I like how much authority seems to have devolved to them, especially given how PMC is already somewhat fragmented by the large transient student population and the number of people from different religious backgrounds. And people seemed to try to get me in one right off the bat. When I first showed up at PMC and started talking to people, I had about half a dozen conversations that went exactly like this:

PMCer: So where are you from?

Camassia: Mar Vista. It’s out near Venice Beach.

PMCer: On the westside? Do you know that we have a small group for westsiders?

Camassia: I’ve been told…

However, bloody-mindedness is not the only reason I haven’t joined a small group. I was actually pretty gung-ho about the idea after I took the Alpha course at Christian Assembly, because I liked the “table talk” environment. However, I never did connect with one there, partly because even though that church had a couple thousand people it still hadn’t quite figured out how to put the “organized” in organized religion. At the Lutheran church I did a weekly Bible study for a while, but eventually I had the same frustrations with that group that I had with the church in general.

Another problem I’ve been having at PMC, though, is that I’m not sure what I want, or should even really expect to get out of a small group. Task-oriented groups like Bible or book discussions don’t seem to be where I’m at right now. I feel like I’ve discussed, analyzed and intellectualized everything to death, both on the blog and in life, and I don’t think it’s getting me anywhere any more. On the other hand, some groups seem to be mainly light social get-togethers, especially ones that include kids. I don’t think those would help me move forward either.

The fact that’s driving everyone crazy, including me, is that I don’t know what would help me move forward at this point. Some old Zen monk in me is revolting against all this intention and planning and will, all this talking and trying to figure things out. These years of doing that have not much moved anything under the ocean, things down in my soul that even I don’t really know.

I guess if a small group takes me in, they’ll have to live with not knowing what’s going to happen next.

May 26, 2006

Damning with high praise (updated)

Filed under: Memes/Games — Camassia @ 2:51 pm

I’ve been feeling under the weather all week, and I haven’t had any very profound thoughts, so I decided to start a new meme. I got the idea for this from a conversation with my mother a while ago when she made some passing mention of the TV show The Sopranos. I remarked, “You know, The Sopranos is one of those shows that I’ve heard nothing but praise for, but have no desire to ever see.” My mother said, “Me too.”

This got me to wondering how many other people experience that. So here’s my variation on the Caesar’s Bath meme: what books/TV shows/movies does everybody else seem to like but somehow even the terms of their praise turn you off? Here are some of mine:

– OK, so why don’t I watch The Sopranos, I mean apart from not getting HBO? For one thing, I just don’t share the American fascination with organized crime. This is also why I haven’t seen any of the Godfather movies. For another thing, I’m not interested in stories about families ruled over by monster-mothers. It’s not a type of family dysfunction I relate to, and generally I find dysfunctional families more painful than entertaining to watch, even (especially?) when it’s meant to be funny.

Pulp Fiction. This is also under the “not fascinated by criminals” heading, but it’s also due to the fact that I’m not interested in artworks that seem to be made in a pop-culture echo chamber. Much of the praise for this — and a lot of books and movies these days actually — seems to focus on how cleverly it plays around with pop-culture, without ever touching the ground particularly. I don’t know, thinking about that sort of thing just makes me want to go out and get a life.

Unforgiven. This type of thing runs into trouble with me because it’s a fresh take on a genre that I don’t really know the stale version of. I grew up after Westerns had ceased to be popular, so it’s not part of my personal mythos.

– Philip Roth. Or any of a whole bunch of authors who seem to write mainly about the problems of being a perpetually horny male. Part of me feels like maybe I should learn about this because the world seems to be full of perpetually horny men, but generally this falls into the category of things I don’t really want to know about.

Catcher in the Rye. Like many popular works, this has probably suffered from being over-imitated, so the concept no longer seems that fresh or interesting. However, any work that depends on freshness to begin with is probably doomed to have a limited shelf life.

Platoon. I remember this came out when I was in high school, and my math teacher said I should see it so I’ll know not to let it happen again. I have trouble with these works that strive mainly to expose the horror of something or other, because a) I have a pretty good imagination, and I don’t need to be slammed over the head with it to know that war is horrible, and b) exposing the horror of something is pretty easy; I’m a lot more impressed with artworks that actually show alternatives to it.

So, anybody else want to play? Maybe hearing from some men would balance this out, since I notice this is an awfully guyish list of works that I’m rejecting sight unseen here.

Updated to add: Dash played here, Mary Beth here, and T.S. O’Rama here. Judging by the responses, I may not have been clear about what I’m getting at with the meme. I didn’t mean any huge pop-culture phenoms that you don’t like; there are a lot of those that are as widely hated as they are loved (Da Vinci Code, Survivor, Britney Spears, etc.). I was thinking of things that you seem to hear nothing but good things about from critics/friends/people you respect but even while you’re listening to them tell you how wonderful it is, you’re thinking, “Boy, that sounds like it is not my thing.” I find that a somewhat more challenging phenomenon because, while I’ve never had to explain to anybody why I don’t watch American Idol, I have had to defend my non-viewing of things like The Godfather, it being widely considered one of the best movies ever made and all.

May 15, 2006

Sunday happenings.

Filed under: Church life — Camassia @ 2:32 pm

After church yesterday I went to lunch with a group of people from church, which included a non-Mennonite who lives near my boyfriend. The visitor asked a question that, surprisingly, I hadn’t received before: “So what do you all think of The Da Vinci Code?”

The conversation was pretty frustrating, and I was beginning to understand why the whole thing drives Christians bats. She started off by wondering why people would be so upset about a work of fiction — don’t they know what fiction is? — but then went on to ask, but what about x, y, and z, is that really true? It reminded me of a point I made here, that the popular American understanding of fantasy as something that has nothing to do with reality doesn’t really work. If fiction had nothing true in it, it would not be remotely interesting. Would Dickens be as compelling if he just made up the stuff about life in London’s underclass? Would children love the Harry Potter books as much if they didn’t recognize elements of their own lives in them? To say that a book is fiction is not to say it’s all untrue, it just means the truth is blended with the author’s inventions. The problem with DVC is that a lot of people evidently aren’t sure where the one ends and the other begins.

Anyway, later in the afternoon I went off and visited Wess and Emily, who are soon moving out of their apartment. I went to look at the place to see if I want to move in after they’re gone. The L.A. neigborhood they’re in, Highland Park, is in between Pasadena and where I live now, although definitely close to Pasadena. Since then I’ve been having a long debate with myself about it, which generally goes something like this:

Pro: Hey, think about how much closer you’ll be to church! To John! To huge national parks! You might actually have a life after work on weekdays, what with the Fuller events, the JPL lectures, the volunteer opportunities…

Con: Now, just hang on a second. Driving to work and back during rush hour would take an hour each way, at least. Do you really want to spend that much of your life on the road, subjecting yourself to physical danger and further polluting the already polluted air? Besides, have you noticed how much gasoline costs lately?

Pro: But you can make up for that by driving less the rest of the time. You’ll be living near the light rail, and you can take that around locally. Plus, the post office, the library, the drugstore and the grocery store are within walking distance. What do you walk to now, besides the dry cleaner?

Con: All right, but do you really want to go through all this hassle when you’re not even sure what the future will bring? You can’t even bring yourself to get baptized into this church, so why are you going to these lengths to get closer to it?

Pro: Well, maybe you do better taking your commitments in stages. You know, if you commit to an apartment maybe committing to baptism will not seem as daunting. Besides, this way you’ll get more involved in the church, and maybe even join a small group like everyone’s been pestering you to do, and then you’ll have a clearer idea of whether you want to belong to it or not.

Con: OK, you’re really itching to move to another apartment, but I don’t know about that apartment. It’s cute, but it’s too small for all your stuff. And you’ll have to provide all the appliances yourself, and you’ll certainly lose some amenities. The Danielses go to frigging South Pasadena to do their laundry!

Pro: Hey, it’s about time you downsized your stuff. And eventually you’re going to move into a house, and buy your own appliances anyway –

Con: Gah! Commitment again!

Pro: All right, stop hyperventilating. You probably wash your clothes more than they really need it anyway, and you can be more environmentally friendly using that clothesline in the yard instead of a dryer. And you might even hand-wash those clothes that say, “Hand Wash Only.”

Con: Boy, you really are turning into a Mennonite. What’s next, subsistence farming?

Well, you get the idea. I still haven’t decided yet.

May 10, 2006

More on the numbers game

Filed under: Politics and society — Camassia @ 1:32 pm

Regarding my last post, which I kind of dashed off at work, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that there’s one breed of explanation for lopsided cultural numbers that’s been especially popular lately. It’s essentially a version of Darwinism: some forms of culture make societies more numerous and powerful than others, so when those two cultures come into contact, the dominant form will prevail.

Probably the best known proponent of this is Jared Diamond, who in Guns, Germs and Steel argued that cultural features like agriculture, state formation and war (within limits) gave ancient societies the edge over the hunter-gatherers who had ruled the earth for millennia. Similarly, Rodney Stark argued that Christianity succeeded despite persecution because its care for the sick and opposition to abortion and infanticide increased its growth rate over pagans. A little while ago an article in Foreign Policy argued that sexists will inherit the earth because patriarchy produces more children than modern society. And so on.

Some people have accused these theories of being reductionist, and indeed, I don’t think they tell the whole story. For one thing, it’s not like cultural features just randomly appear, in the manner that genetic mutations appear. Even apart from factors like divine revelation, cultural habits would likely not appear in the first place if they didn’t express something about the nature of the people doing them. One question that is just beginning to be explored is how genetic predispositions express themselves, and what effect the environment has on that. The Mosuo, for instance, are in some ways recognizable to us — they aren’t just patriarchal society in reverse. The society seems to be based around the power of motherhood, which is hardly an unfamiliar power to the rest of the world, but is usually tempered by other forces such as fathers, children’s spouses, and governments. In Mosuo-land, for whatever reason, mothers have managed to head off any such competition.

Nonetheless, it’s clear that some cultural habits do lead to greater numbers than others, and it raises some interesting moral issues. One point that Diamond made was that what makes societies dominant isn’t necessarily what makes individuals happy. Early agriculturalists, he points out, were generally more sickly and oppressed than hunter-gatherers, but their settled lifestyle let them have more children than the nomads. Because it wasn’t really that appealing a lifestyle change, Diamond argues, agriculture actually spread quite slowly after it first appeared. But ultimately its success was inevitable.

In one sense, culture is the pinnacle of evolution, because it lets people adapt by changing without having to wait for the genetics to shake out. But this also raises the familiar dilemma that what feels natural and right to the individual might ultimately be bad for the group. I think this problem runs deeper in the Western attitude than cultural relativism does. In a comment to the last post, Lynn observed astutely:

Also, if we really believed that people were just infinitely malleable, there’d be no basis to critique traditional roles, either. Why not patriarchy, if people can adapt to one set of roles as well as another? The basis for feminism surely has to be that patriarchy comes at a cost, and that cost, just as much as any preconditions for male dominance, is built into human nature. Otherwise the Taliban, like the Mosuo, are just people practicing another equally good way of doing things.

She’s right: feminists who point to the Mosuo are not really arguing for human malleability. Instead, they’re arguing that patriarchal society is a kind of falsehood, an illusion, under which lurk people’s true selves. The feeling that society is a kind of mass illusion is very common in the modern era (hey, maybe that’s another reason Gnosticism is getting big!), and that feeling is not entirely without foundation. After all, a lot of social truths do indeed turn out to be false, and recent centuries have made westerners especially aware of this fact.

Nonetheless, a great deal of psychological research, not to mention common experience, has also shown that human beings are so innately social that this really isn’t a “true self” apart from society. Here I find myself remembering a bit of advice Telford gave me when trying to overcome my cynical approach to reading the Bible: not to ask, “Is it true?” but to ask, “How is it true?” In some sense, all human societies are real, but accepting the “plain meaning” of their mores is not necessarily the way to understand their reality.

But anyway, I’m also cautious of arguments that tell individuals to submit themselves to society for the sake of that society’s supremacy and dominance. That’s why all the conservative worrying about the “birth dearth” grates on me — not that it’s exactly wrong, but that it seems to be premised on a perpetual zero-sum-game struggle between societies. On the other hand, a lot of secular liberals do seem to be in denial about the whole thing, either totally ignoring it or figuring that everyone else will eventually be converted to modernity and start having fewer children too. Me, I wouldn’t want to wager on that one.

I guess that’s where faith comes in. When survival itself is the highest good, there isn’t much of an argument you can make against doing whatever you have to do to ensure your society’s dominance. But if history is indeed under the guidance of a God wiser than ourselves, we do not have to be slaves to such machinations.

May 9, 2006

The meaning of small numbers

Filed under: Politics and society — Camassia @ 9:33 am

When I was growing up in northern California, one of the Eastern philosophical concepts that had become tossed into the New Age salad was the imperative to “live in the moment.” In fact a friend told me that the utopia in Aldous Huxley’s Island was populated with mina birds trained to keep repeating, “Here and now!” in order to remind everybody to stay focused on the present.

It turns out that there’s a tribe in the Amazon that takes this concept to the extreme. The Pirahã first caught the attention of linguists because they have an extremely impoverished language that potentially refutes Noam Chomsky’s theory that human brains are naturally equipped with a universal grammar. But linguist Daniel Everett believes the reason for their language is cultural:

He explains the core of Pirahã culture with a simple formula: “Live here and now.” The only thing of importance that is worth communicating to others is what is being experienced at that very moment. “All experience is anchored in the presence,” says Everett, who believes this carpe-diem culture doesn’t allow for abstract thought or complicated connections to the past — limiting the language accordingly.

Living in the now also fits with the fact that the Pirahã don’t appear to have a creation myth explaining existence. When asked, they simply reply: “Everything is the same, things always are.” The mothers also don’t tell their children fairy tales — actually nobody tells any kind of stories. No one paints and there is no art.

Now, this I find much more astonishing than the idea that Chomsky might have been wrong about something. We moderns look at the cave paintings at Lascaux, or read about the common narrative themes of folk tales, and see what seems to separate all people, no matter how primitive, from animals. What kind of people are these, who have none of these things?

The story also reminded me of a question that I have with a lot of these nature/nurture debates, which tend to assume that finding any group of people anywhere who deviate from the norm means that “nature” cannot explain the norm. The same sorts of claims swirl around the Mosuo, to the effect that patriarchy and marriage must have no basis in nature because here’s a culture with neither.

Yet when the numbers of people involved are incredibly lopsided, it’s difficult to believe that these cultural differences represent equal choices, as it were. There are only about 350 Pirahã — one big extended family, in effect. All sorts of bizarre things can happen in one family, as we well know. The Mosuo are more numerous, at around 50,000, but they’re still a minuscule data point compared to the cultures with more familiar marriage and family roles out there.

This reinforces the impression I had as a psych student, that Western thought is still groping in the dark when it comes to dealing with the phenomenon of “culture.” On a popular level, many Americans deal with the abundance of cultural differences by treating cultural norms as almost disembodied, random — some cultures happen to be this way and some happen to be that way, and all our norms are probably reversed somewhere else. In my experience this was sometimes underscored by anecdotes that I now suspect are mythical — that there’s a tribe somewhere where eating is done in private but urinating is perfectly shameless and public, and so on. And who knows how many Star Trek episodes posited planets that reversed some received Western cultural standard.

Yet 350 vs. six billion is hardly a random distribution. If the difference is indeed purely culture, why are some cultural patterns obviously so much more popular than others? Could we really choose to be some other way, if we wanted to? I think it is difficult for Westerners to believe that human behavior that is not genetic could be so powerful, could have a sort of life of its own without any particular people deciding what it should be. But that is exactly what culture is, and that is what keeps it so mysterious.

May 5, 2006

The Duke mafia strikes again!

Filed under: Theology (other) — Camassia @ 10:50 am

Ben Witherington links to a debate between scholars Richard Hays and Bart Ehrman on The Da Vinci Code, and is curious about our reactions. Actually it’s something of a misnomer to say it’s on The Da Vinci Code, because they say very little about the book (both agree it’s a bunch of hooey). Instead, they discuss the underlying question of the reliability of the canonical gospels and other gospels.

To some extent, it brought me back to the old territory of The Meaning of Jesus, with Hays playing N.T. Wright and Ehrman filling in for Marcus Borg. There are some significant differences between them, however. Hays said at one point that while Wright’s massive work on the resurrection is good stuff, Wright is too confident that the resurrection can be historically proven. (Hey, it’s nice to know some scholarly person agrees with me!) I was also interested to hear Hays dismiss the idea that the premodern word-of-mouth network — what Wright called the bush telegraph — is inherently more reliable than the modern rumor mill. It was less than totally clear to me, then, why he considers the canonical gospels reliable. He mentioned that he trusted the church’s sensus fidelium in keeping the basic spirit of Jesus intact, which is I suppose ultimately a religious statement (belief in the guidance of the Holy Spirit). He mentioned that he believed the canonical gospels were among the earliest written, though when pressed by Ehrman he admittedthat early does not necessarily equal true. It was also clear that he just didn’t like Gnosticism — his take on the Gospel of Judas was very similar to Chris Tessone’s — and he didn’t really see a valid competitor to the orthodox version.

Ehrman, for his part, presented a quite different face from Borg’s affable New Agey mysticism. While Borg criticized “fact fundamentalism”, Ehrman had a rather peculiar reading of the historian’s role as being tied to what is naturally probable, and thereby excluding miracles and resurrections. Some commenters to Dr. Witherington’s post dissected this idea and found it lacking, and it seemed to me that there was more going on under the surface with Ehrman than just an adherence to a scientific method. (He talked about going to the Moody Bible Institute, which suggests that he is, like Borg, a somewhat traumatized ex-fundamentalist.) I don’t know much about Ehrman but according to the commenters he views Jesus as a failed apocalyptic Jewish messiah. That version of Jesus actually seems more probable to me than either Borg’s or the Gnostics’ — I mean that if Jesus actually wasn’t God, that seems most likely to be what he actually was. However, since that didn’t really touch on the issue at hand, they didn’t go into it.

Hays did, however, ask Ehrman a pointed question — why does Ehrman like the Gnostic gospels even though their image of Jesus is pretty much diametrically opposed to his own? Ehrman’s answer was interesting. There are people who feel profoundly alienated from the world, he said, and the Gnostic gospels, for all their kooky cosmology, express that feeling that your home is really somewhere else but you somehow wound up in the wrong place, the wrong body, that there’s something unreal about your reality. So even though he doesn’t think they have much historical validity, he believes they shouldn’t just be dismissed.

This psychological justification seemed to clash with Ehrman’s earlier “just the facts” definition of his job. But still, there’s something to what he said. I mean, that basic aspect of Gnosticism has cropped up in a number of different places, ranging from ancient Hinduism to modern Scientology, and proven extremely popular. That book about apocalypticism that I’ve been reading (which I will write on in more detail later) points out that the modern premillennial movement also reflects an alienation from the world and a desire to escape from it rather than redeem it. And it’s something I’ve felt a lot myself. It’s not a phenomenon that’s entirely absent from orthodox Christianity of course, as the recognition of the world’s fallenness brings on a longing for fulfilment of God’s work.

But the Gnostic narrative of alienation is much more individual than the orthodox one. Back in the comments of this post I complained about the extent to which God in the Bible seems to relate to collectives and archetypes rather than people, which is tough to relate to if you don’t feel that you quite fit in with any collective or archetype. The narrative of the Gospel of Judas and the like offers the opposite of that: you are different, because you’re special, you’re one of the better sort who can understand this esoteric knowledge we’re about to tell you. It’s the sort of line that’s been pulling in misfits and weirdos since time immemorial. It’s also profoundly arrogant, of course, but it’s not hard to see why it’s more appealing than feeling that you’re doing a subpar job of belonging to the larger group to which God is speaking.

Much criticism has been lodged at modern society for encouraging this feeling of alienation, which is no doubt true. But obviously this kind of thing is hardly new; and more to the point, you don’t just cure it by force of will. The desire for a direct personal encounter with God is, I think, partly a function of loneliness. And loneliness does not stem just from an ideological commitment to individualism, but from being alone. For all the churches’ efforts at community, I wonder how much it will take to get over that aloneness.

May 3, 2006

More on doubt

Filed under: Personal stuff — Camassia @ 11:52 am

Thanks for the supportive comments to the last post. A lot of people commented on doubt, and I’ve been thinking that part of my problem may be with the word “doubt” itself. There is actually a pretty strong assumption embedded in using that word in this context: namely, that Christian faith is the default mode from which “doubt” is a deviation. I mean, you wouldn’t describe Richard Dawkins as a doubter, because he seems very sure of what he believes in, it just ain’t Christian. I wouldn’t say that most of my family lives in a state of doubt either, for much the same reason (though fortunately, they’re not so obnoxious about it). Doubt describes an absence of something; it exists in a binary world of belief and unbelief. But the greater question in my world is not whether I believe, but what I believe.

I think when Christians describe my various questions and issues as “doubts”, they are assuming that faith is a more normal state for me than it actually feels like. I think this is one area where my behavior might be misleading people. I remember saying to somebody a while back that I feel like I’m in a giant 3-D role-playing game. The Christian universe, with its various rules and parameters, has been laid out for me, along with the local parameters of church life, and I am acting as a character within that universe. In a way it’s very easy, because of the natural knack that everyone has for acting out roles in social situations, and also because my intellect naturally goes for these “assuming these premises, what are the logical extensions?” kinds of discussions. I don’t mean to say that the division between Christian-me and real-me is quite as sharp as in an rpg; and I know that whatever happens, this journey will have permanently changed the way I look at the world. But I still feel as though my natural, default state is what I lived in for the first 30 years of my life, and that’s why “doubt” just doesn’t seem like quite the right word. It sounds so empty, like my previous life was just a big hollow space where faith should have been. Granted, there were big spaces in my life that I’ve been seeking to fill, but there were also other beliefs, explanations, narratives and even means of deliverance.

Another assumption that people seem to be making about doubt, judging from the comments, is that it is entirely an intellectual problem, something we have because we want empirical proof of God. That’s certainly part of it for me, but it’s also an emotional issue. In fact, I’ve been feeling lately that part of my trouble with the faith is that it seems to theoretical, based on one’s head-knowledge of what has happened and what will happen, rather than on felt experience. I think that’s one reason I was so insistent in this thread that God be present in the church’s human behavior. Otherwise religion threatens to be entirely a forebrain project. Way back when I was blogging The Meaning of Jesus, I quoted N.T. Wright on the difference:

(Faith in God) is not just “belief.” It is natural to say “I believe it’s raining” when indoors with the curtains shut, but it would be odd to say it, except in irony, standing on a hillside in a downpour. For many Christians much of the time, knowing Jesus is more like the latter: being drenched in his love and the challenge of his call, not merely imagining we hear him like raindrops on a distant windowpane. (For many, of course, the latter is the norm; hinting, promising, inviting.)

But what does it mean to “know” someone? Humans being what they are, this is a great mystery. It is clearly different from knowing about them. When we “know” a person (as opposed to, say, knowing the height of the Eiffel Tower), we imply some kind of relationship, some mutual understanding. We are used to each other; we can anticipate how the other will react; we accurately assess their wishes, hopes, and fears. We could perhaps have arrived at the basic facts by careful detached study, but when we say we “know” someone, we assume that this knowledge is the result of a face-to-face encounter.

Ultimately, I think that what quells doubt is not intellectual proof but being drenched in the rain, as it were. Or perhaps I should say, it creates the faith that makes “doubt” the applicable word in the first place.

May 2, 2006

Blessings aren’t just for the ones who kneel … luckily

Filed under: Church life,Personal stuff — Camassia @ 3:25 pm

Before my wild wedding weekend I visited my pastor again to talk about the baptism thing some more. This time Telford phoned in and offered his own perspective on things. It was all friendly enough but I left with this frustrating feeling that I’ve been talking and talking (and writing and writing) to a lot of sympathetic listeners, and yet still am not really being understood. And I’m still trying to figure out why.

I feel like there are still a lot of things that divide me, as a person who didn’t grow up in the faith, from people who did grow up in it or who have been in it for decades. Just a lot of unconscious assumptions, I guess. For instance, the previous time I saw the pastor she assured me — like a zillion other people have — that “It’s OK to have doubts!” I think this assurance means a lot to people who come from evangelical backgrounds where doubt is taboo. But, I told her, it takes a fair amount of belief in God if your biggest worry about having doubt is that he is going to be mad at you for it. After all, I lived in unbelief for 30 years and failed to get hit with a lightning bolt, so I’m not exactly afraid of it on that level. I just don’t want to have doubt. It’s a bitch to live with, and obviously, it makes decisions hard to come by.

he reassurances about doubt are part of a larger class of assurances I get that amount, essentially, to, “Don’t worry, we can fit you in somewhere.” This generally comes in the form of saying that whatever problem I have has already been experienced by some Christian person, whether in the Bible, in history or in the local church. Again, this is well-intentioned but rather misplaced. I’ve been to enough churches to know that pretty much any idiot can be accepted as a Christian somewhere if he really wants to be. I’m not worried about that. What I am worried about is how I can resolve whatever problem I brought up that brought on the reassurance.

I don’t want to sound too critical, because I suppose the problem is partly mine. When I think about it, I see that I’m still not used to the kind of decentering of myself that Christian faith entails. When I brought my troubles to people in the secular world, the usual reaction was to try to figure out what was best for me. Christians, on the other hand, try to figure out how to fit me into the pre-existing body of God’s work, how to write me into the story that began ages ago. And frankly I’m not used to the way my uniqueness disappears in that mode of thinking. I can be a part of God’s church because I’m like everybody else. Whatever I think is particular to me gets smoothed out into the familiar patterns. It’s the price of a more communal, less individualist attitude I suppose, which in most ways I like. But it’s harder in practice than in theory for me to connect myself to it somehow.

Another thing I have a problem with, though it may sound strange, is kneeling. PMC doesn’t kneel as habitually as, say, most Anglican churches, but it’s standard procedure for some things. One of them is the quarterly healing service, which happened yesterday. People who have something that needs healing (or who want to do it vicariously for someone else) go up and kneel at the altar to be anointed with oil and prayed over. And whenever I do it I get anxious as hell, which seems to defeat the idea of a healing rite.

Yesterday the probable reason finally occurred to me. The custom of kneeling developed in a culture where bowing and kneeling were customary forms of respect to one’s superiors, and methods of supplication. But where I come from, the only reason to kneel before anybody is for sexual purposes. I’m sure doctoral theses have been written about how the old dominant/submissive social behaviors have been banished from democratic society only to flourish in the bedroom, but seriously, I think that’s what’s been lurking in the back of my mind and bothering me so much. I don’t mean to say that we should banish everything with erotic overtones from church — it’s supposed to be the bride meeting the bridegroom, and all that. But if you’re bringing your wounds and hurts before somebody for help, about the last thing you want to bring in is some BDSM-flavored sexual vibes.

I know I’m speaking from a specific cultural place here, but I do wonder if kneeling matters to God, or if he just appreciates whatever gestures of respect your culture offers. I’m curious about what other people’s experiences with this are. Has anyone else had issues with kneeling? Do you get over it after a while?

Wake up and smell the blogwatch

Filed under: Blogwatches — Camassia @ 9:57 am

Sorry I’m not saying much, but I had a busy weekend — my cousin got married in L.A. and a whole batch o’ family descended onto the town. Anyway, here’s some good stuff to read:

Jennifer wonders about the proper Methodist response to a single woman getting artificial insemination. (Me, I don’t understand even wanting to have a baby alone, so I’m no help here.)

Via the Clawman, a Jesuit says Elaine Pagels misquoted Irenaeus.

AKMA writes provocatively on White Guy theology.

Jason, meanwhile, shows that he’s not an acolyte of St. MacGyver but is caught in terminal uncertainty. Boy, do I ever identify with this.

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