I mentioned that on my vacation I visited Jonathan and Isaac, and, as they are both pastors, they were both interested in where I’ve been going to church. I haven’t been very informative on the subject on this blog, because … well … I haven’t been going to one. I did visit a few right when I moved to Washington, but I haven’t been back since my grandmother died. I explained my reasons to them (especially the long-suffering Jonathan) but didn’t really want to revisit it here, since I am not interested in the increasingly polarized public atheist vs. Christian debate, especially since I’m still not really an atheist. However, a recent post by the Internet Monk, detailing his ideas on what makes people atheists, makes me feel I should contribute something.

Periodically I see Christians go into these rounds of flogging themselves (and each other) for driving people away with their bad behavior. I don’t doubt that this happens, since I have heard enough stories from people who ran screaming from dysfunctional churches. However, the converse assumption seems to be that if Christians could just be better, live their faith and show the love of Christ to others and so on, then more nonbelievers would become convinced. While that may be true, I’m not sure how deep those conversions would actually be.

Granted, for a long time I approved of that line of thinking, but I also had an obvious self-interest in it. Yes, love me and serve me and improve me, and maybe I’ll deign to join your group! OK, I didn’t actually think like that, but if I am honest with myself that was part of my motivation. So when I hear atheists complain about how Christians don’t walk the walk, I take it with a grain of salt. People who wish Christians would act more like Jesus often have a fuzzy idea of who Jesus was. And there are some beliefs that nonbelievers would just as soon Christians didn’t follow. I’ve written before that I don’t think most Christians I know really believe in hell, and I think they’re better people for it. And while it doesn’t personally bother me, strict adherence to the Great Commission drives a lot of atheists crazy.

More to the point, though, most atheists I know do, in fact, know Christians who lead good lives. This does not ruffle their unbelief because, though recent bestsellers might lead you to think otherwise, most atheists can live with the fact that good people can believe weird things. I don’t just mean weird religious things. Maybe it’s because I’m from California, but I seem to have often had the experience of talking to an agreeable person who suddenly brings up their opinion of who really killed Kennedy or how we should follow the Cuban model of dealing with AIDS. At which point the done thing is to smile and change the subject.

However, even when it comes to beliefs I am more sympathetic toward, there are problems with attaching my faith to the behavior of a particular church. I seemed to have the opposite problem that most commenters as iMonk have, in that I had a really good church but some troubles with its core beliefs. This has left me feeling a bit guilty about leaving it, but I would have felt guiltier if I’d hung around just to live off their good will. And let’s be honest here: that church was only 20 years old, and it hadn’t had time to get screwed up. Yet even now, there are signs. A couple years ago somebody noticed that the child-care division didn’t have any sort of protection against pedophiles, which occasioned some, er, lively congregational meetings. More recently, over the church’s email list (which I am still on), the congregation’s avoidance of the whole homosexuality debate that’s rending other churches has been showing some strain.

I don’t mean this as any sort of accusation against PMC. That’s just what happens when a group is around long enough. Catholics, in my experience, are somewhat more realistic about this, as their church has existed a sufficient time for Murphy’s Law to fully operate. Protestants, though, seem to keep hoping they can regain their virginity, and present Christianity as something new and revolutionary without being overshadowed by 2,000 years of very public history. This hope has led to some great churches, I think, but anyone resting their belief on a fabulous local church is building a house on sand.

Another thing that bothers me about these recrimination sessions is that if you want people to believe that it’s the Holy Spirit that makes Christians do such good as they do, you’re undermining the point if you turn around and nag them into doing it as if it were totally a matter of their own will. If the Spirit isn’t exerting itself enough to overcome natural human stupidities, maybe a little more prayer and a little less hectoring is in order.

I think the iMonk understands this to some extent, since part of what he’s objecting to is raised expectations, followed by a trip down the river in Egypt when the inevitable human failings come through. I’m not sure all of his commenters get it though, since many of them seem to be falling back on the old exhortations for Christians to be better people. I think that’s only setting things up for more failure. I wish I could be more helpful about what would succeed, but obviously if I knew that I wouldn’t be in the impasse I’m in now. But I think Christians shouldn’t beat themselves up so much for not being perfect. They’re no worse than anybody else.