speak to me you say
tell me what you think
so I tell him
I think I know what you mean
but I don't see how you see
I don't share your views
we don't see eye to eye
im not like you dad
I don't share your beliefs
I don't understand what you mean
and im sick of pretending
"so tell me what your afraid of
tell me why you don't believe
tell me why you are afraid
to talk to me at all"
he asks me the impossible
he asks me to tell him my fear
I say nothing 
I sit in stony silence
I sit I stare at nothing
I say nothing
What am I afraid of dad?
Im afraid of you finding out the truth
the ruth of how I think and feel
about a monster that I see
the monster I see every day
every single day I deal with the monster
the monster that is called me
yet I can not tell you these things to your face
nor even in a letter
I can not tell you how I feel
im scared of how you  might react
why do I reject your beliefs?
im afraid that your god would feel 
the same way I do 
how do I feel?
I hate me dad
I hate this monster that I see in the mirror
I hate that creature I see
why do I hate me?
I do not know anymore
I can not know
it is something that has been building inside me for years
growing, building ,needing an escape
anger , hatred, depression, confusion
needing an escape route
and I found me
and through the years its built to where I cant control it
why do I hate me?
I hate me because im me
why cant I tell you?
dad because you're the only one that I know
has been the only one that I can say
has loved me for me
unconditionally without reason or needing to 
for all these years you've been there for me
WHY???
I don't understand
I don't deserve the things you've done
I don't understand why you care
I don't understand why your upset
and I don't know what I've done
but if for some reason you hate me now
I deserve that more than love
for the creature I see in the mirror
doesn't deserve anything good
and anymore I don't understand why you care
or why anyone would
dad I know you've cared all these years
and I know that if I show you this poem you will write it off
as nothing more than a bad down
yet in my heart I know that it is not 
I know im hurting and that
I lie awake at night wishing to tell you things I cant
I don't know what to do anymore
I don't know how to talk
because so many things I need to say 
just wont come out how they need to
I hide behind the mask 
the mask protects you from seeing me
and how I really feel
yet the mask falls and I am revealed
so quickly I try to hide behind a hastily made mask
not very good im afraid 
because it just caused a fight
and now we seem separated by everything
and its all my fault
and im afraid that nothing can ever be the same
I don't know how to bring down the masks
I've tried and I've failed
its so much easier to hide
I've done it for so long
I don't know how to stop
I just don't know how
its to hard to stop sometimes
you just keep on hiding
and wishing you knew how to stop
I wish you understood better
I wish I knew how to help you understand better
but I don't know how
all I know is I need help
and I hope that you are willing to listen at least
and believe me when I say 
that I am sorry
im sorry dad 
I wish I knew what else to say
I know sorry doesn't cut it
it never does
it never will
im sorry oh so sorry
im sorry for the things I've done
the things I've said and done
I may have lied though I don't know
I give you what you want
the masks speaks for me 
tells you what you need
and before I know it I believe it to
what is the truth
all I know is I hate that creature I see in the mirror
I cant look myself in the eye
without feeling bitter hatred
or a deep lonely sadness
both are so familiar they both seem a part of me
and I understand neither anymore
im sorry dad 
I cant tell you how sorry
its all my fault were in this mess
that I ever said a word
that I ever let the mask fall
if the mask had stayed we would both be safe
yet how safe is the misery I dwell in?
maybe its better that it is out
and maybe it is better that I write to you now
and hope that you will forgive me
for being the monster that I am
im sorry dad
I cant say anymore
im just so sorry for the thing I am
for being scared that you would see me as I am
if I drop the masks im afraid everyone will
yet I drop them online
and no one is convinced
you don't believe me when I tell you 
that sometimes online helps
it does in a way
it tells me that if I give people in real life a chance 
and try to take down the masks 
maybe if I can get the right help I can
I cant do it on my own
one comes down another comes up
I cant stop the cycle
I cant on my own
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say
im asking for something
I've no right to ask
for in my mind a thing like me
deserves help not at all
just shove me aside 
let me rot
leave me be 
just let me alone
I don't know how to tell you these things that I see
because often I don't know how to describe them
why do I hate me
I really don't know
I've tried to explain to people 
but I honestly don't know
I am able to forget sometimes
when focused on others
when dwelling in a book
or when talking to people online 
in mania I sometimes manage to not dwell on it 
and push it into a corner where it wont bother me
yet is it really that easy 
no it is not
for the second I see myself 
it surges to the top
a torrent of hate
and the pain it causes me
an unending flow 
I am powerless to stop
it has been flowing to long
and I know not the source
im sorry dad
I know not what to say
im sorry dad
I know you have loved me
all of my life
I know you have been there 
every time I have need of you
yet when I need you most
im scared to come to you
because what I see 
is a monster in me
I see me as the monster
I have for years
and I know not how to tell you
Im sorry