I act happy but don't feel that way
I've claimed Christianity often enough
I've thought long and hard and though its tough
I have to admit I don't believe in god
god what god? I've asked myself a lot
they say trust in him and be contented with what you got
I cant though its too hard im in emotional pain every day
I don't know what to do I don't know what to say
everything seems to go wrong at the worst of times
when Im feeling down they say
trust in "god" it will be O.K.
What does that mean? If there is a "god"
why am I so alone I don't understand like they think I should
I often wonder what death will be like
more often than not now I want to find out
"god" what "god" they say there's proof it cant be denied
and all I can do is sit back and think all I've lived is a lie
I don't believe in god how can I?
All I really know well is my life is made up of pain
both physical and emotional Im breaking under the strain
of trying to make the most of everything
myself my talents my weaknesses and few strengths
when I look at myself I see a big bunch of worthless nothing
I'm fat I'm ugly I look like a guy I'm not sure anymore
of what love truly is what am I to do?
Where am I to go? All I've ever wanted is to be left alone
people all around driving me insane I don't know what to do
where to go
I live in books for more reasons than one
I often dream of the "enemy" in the animorphs collection
I wish the yeerks were real because if they were in a blink
of an eye I could be a host have some alien slug thing in my
brain controlling what I do and say. I'd never have to do anything
but relax and dream read and be happy
what is true peace? I don't know I don't think I'll ever know
until I die naturally or commit suicide I don't want to grow old
I don't want to live what's the point of life im finding none
I try reading as an escape, I tried taking interest in a bass guitar
then I found that meant performing!
That scares me even more
I don't want to perform but felt my dad would be mad if
I didn't sign up to play at church
I signed up only for that reason and I wish
I hadn't I don't want to perform I don't want to lead
it's time to face the facts i just don't believe I just
Can't believe there's some "all powerful god" who
fixes all you problems and cares no matter what
I've tried to talk with my family they just don't get nor does anyone else
with my emotional problems I cant understand or believe
some "god I cant see cares for me.
"God" what "god"
my question remains I need emotional proof not physical
or seeing people be good. The way I suffer every day
it's the only way I can see for sure
if some "god" really cares or not
I'm unhappy more often than not im constantly depressed
no one would care it seems if I were to kill myself
at least I'd be in peace. I want death to mean I don't go to
some heaven filled with people if there is a heaven
I would want it to be a huge lovely place with no one but me
and a library filled to the brim of all the books I've ever read and never got to read and a nice bunch of woods a medow maybe and I would stay there
content with all the books ever written throughout eternity
but "eternity" it scares me to I would never want to live
forever that would be pure torture living forever would get boring eventually
even if you could visit other heavens so I remain to ask
"god" what "god"?
I still want to know what kind of a god has you live forever in eternal happiness? How can that be possible?
The way I see it you have to experience pain to feel pleasure
why would anyone want that much less live forever?
I don't understand what is it that drives christians to to stand
and preach to all about a wonderful "god" who fixes your
problems makes all things well and so you know he's "there" throws in some pain now and again, and when it's all over you go to "heaven
where the streets are "paved with gold"
and you live in mansions and are happy all the time
what kind of life is that?
A god of compassion and love would not do that for me he would either give me my own place or make me disappear as if I had never been
I don't actually know what I want but I know
it isnt what people say heaven is like
and still I repeat
"god" what "god"?
I don't know and am just about ready to admit defeat